Beyond the Hesitation: My Life with a Stammer

By Eylul Duman

I have lived with a stammer for nearly a decade. It is a neurological condition that affects speech and is characterised with repetitions and pauses in speech. It swept into my life like a storm during my delicate years of early secondary school. It surely was not a visitor I welcomed with open arms but an uninvited companion that chose to stay regardless of my attempts of escaping them. Every syllable, every repetition, and every pause felt like a slap in the face.

As a student at secondary school, navigating life was a struggle. I remember every giggle, every snicker, every stare from my classmates – especially the ‘popular girls.’ I will recount the time I was in my English literature class. My teacher had chosen me to read out a sentence she liked from my creative writing piece.

T-T-Time’s delicate h-h-h-hand had molded the mmmountains with a touch as light as a feather.

My heart was racing, almost as if it was about to jump out of my chest. My stomach swirled as gravity seemed to pull me down. My ears pounded as my hearing blurred for a few seconds. Then I heard them from all the way across the room. The two girls probably have the faintest of ideas that this moment was captured in my heart. They were sat by the teacher’s desk; the teacher did not tell them off but she heard them. She definitely heard them.

I remember these moments like the back of my hand. They have been tattooed into my mind for the rest of my life. I continued through my school years, wrestling with each word. Syllables became a struggle, words became a battle, sentences; a battlefield, and speaking overall; a war. A war against myself.

I never really talked to my friends about my stammer until years later. I think maybe they did not want to bring it up in case it caused me distress. For the first time, I talked to them about my job interviews, nervousness, and overall feelings. They will think I am stupid. These kinds of thoughts flowed through my mind but they assured me and comforted me.

One of my friends said the following: “In fact they’ll probably admire the fact that despite your stammering and nervousness, you continue to carry on which is a good trait.” My heart jumped a beat and my stomach fluttered with butterflies. No one had ever consoled me like this before, it was something new. It was from this moment that I realised that she was a friend I would admire and know for a life time. Despite having full capacity to do something well, I was being pulled down with a lack of self-confidence.

A year passes, I get my first proper customer service job in a kiosk. I had to push myself as living in a constant state of isolation was doing no good. Isolation is a dangerous thing if you are in a dangerous mindset.

My first customer at this job was an old lady with her grandchild. They wanted a whippy ice-cream with a flake, and a single sugared donut. I took their order. The words flowed out like honey. I was confident in myself and had a period of relatively fluent speech. I began to recognize the beauty within struggle. Every customer was an opportunity to love myself more.

I had periods when my stammer was worse but it did not put me down. I lightly held on to the pauses, breaks, repetitions, and released them as easily. The pauses in my speech were not empty voids to be filled with shame and embarrassment but instead where the harmony of vulnerability echoed. A perfect imperfection. People would underestimate me and my intelligence, I do not know if this was a good or bad thing.

If you have a friend who stammers please be patient with them. Don’t tell them slow down or to take a breath. Don’t try to finish their sentences – it feels undermining and disempowering. Just wait. Try to maintain natural eye contact. Let them know you are listening. People who stammer may find it hard to pick up the phone, if you hear nothing for the first few seconds give them plenty of time to speak. Don’t be afraid to ask them how you can make it easier for them.

There have been moments of frustration, moments where I yearned for fluency. However, I’ve discovered an inner strength that aided me in these moments like a luminary urging me to be patient and kind to myself. The world constantly races towards perfection and eloquence but sometimes the art of slowing down can be more useful and less stressful on the body.

Editor’s note: The opinions expressed in this piece by the author are their own – they do not and are not intended to represent the beliefs and opinions of Plymouth University, University of Plymouth Student Union or the Plymouth Gazette. 

Picture credit: Unsplash